Oh, hey, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Roz.
Happy New Year.
Or should I say, happy new millennium.
Oh, barf.
I'm so sick of talking about it.
Oh, now, Roz, let's not condemn the new millennium
just because you woke up in it with a hangover.
That's what ruined church for you.
Decaf latte, please.
I just hate how this arbitrary point
on the calendar has become so significant.
And as far m y hangover wen t,
it was worth it.
I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
I see.
Well, allow me to congratulate you
on your first science-related metaphor.
Thank yo u. Mm-hmm.
And what did you do?
Get all freaky and finish your list
of the century's greatest thinkers?
No, but my new year's was plenty exciting enough,
thank you very much.
Although... not exactly in a way I'd planned.
Cancel the millennium.
Chez Henri has burned down!
Burned down?
NILES: Yes.
Apparently, Henri was caramelizing
a huge creme brulee
in the shape of Puget Sound
when a sugar spark
ignited a 30-foot papier mââche space needle.
They're already calling it
the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.
Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.
My God. The irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it.
It's worthy of O. Henry.
O. Henri.
Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke.
What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night?
Every restaurant in town
worth going to has been booked for months.
Well, you know, you can join me
and the boys at McGinty's.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
They're going to dye the beer green.
Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?
Oh, well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month,
and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Patty's Day.
. This is a disaster
No, they'll just pop in another pig valve.
You know, the only reason
he needs it is 'cause he eats so much bacon.
So the same thing that's killing him
is keeping him alive.
There's your O. Henry story.
Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.
On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?
I think not.
I should have just gone with Mel.
She and her mother are taking
a hot air balloon
through the wine country.
Well, not in the balloon, no,
but I could've followed along in the recovery vehicle.
Wait a minute.
Speaking of wine,
wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?
Yes, at Ken Lauterbach's place in Sun Valley.
Oh, it's a huge event.
Of course! "Auld Lang Wine"!
Niles, call and see if we're still invited.
All right, I'm on it.
Bloody hell.
Five days after Christmas is over,
and I'm still getting these cards.
They do it on purpose, you know.
It's always from someone you forgot,
and then it's too late to send one back.
Then they sneer at you for the rest of the year.
"Peace and goodwill," my ass.
You just lost yourself a customer,
Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.
MARTIN : Mm.
Losing a set of English teeth.
He'll feel that.
This is for you from the D.M.V.
is. Oh-ho! I k now what this
The custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago.
Yay!
Well, 50 bucks, but I think it says it all.
Rrrd?
Wrr...er?
Rid... worry...er?
! Red wearer
Oh, for God's sake, "Road Warrior."
Of course.
For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago.
I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.
NILES: Huzzah!
Hello, Daphne.
Ken says he'd love to have us come,
and the more, the merrier.
Oh, Niles, that's brilliant.
Dad, please, please, won't you join us?
You know what? Say, let's call the travel agent.
Not to rain on your parade,
but you may have a tough time getting flights this late.
Donny and I had a devil of a time
getting our flight to San Francisco.
Oh, Daphne,
they always set aside
a few choice seats for Seattle's travel elite.
(horn honking)
MAN: Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
MARTIN: See?
He got it.
Hey!
MARTIN: Ah, being on the road like this is like
we're three dusty hoboes
sharing a boxcar to parts unknown.
Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn,
we'll end up in Californy.
Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky.
Well, perhaps that's because I rousted out of a warm bed
at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago!
Better safe than sorry, Niles.
You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley,
and half of that's through the mountains.
By the way,
how are we going to explain to the wine club
our arriving in a Winnebago?
Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles.
We'll call it our "Van Ordinaire."
You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying
this little trip through the heartland.
I feel a little bit out of touch with the common man.
It's nice to reconnect.
Well, while you're reconnecting,
why don't you let me drive?
I-I would, Niles.
It's just that, um...
I ne... I need you to navigate.
Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy.
The man with the map.
Stop patronizing me. I want to drive.
Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles.
Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my Le Sabre?
You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency break.
Well, it's a good thing I did.
Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.
Oh, did you see that sign?
Little Red Cabin. Remember those diners?
Home of the logroller: a flank steak wrapped
around a combination of eggs, cheese and onions.
You kids used to love eating there.
You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over!
Quick, pull over!"
Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.
(humming to classical music)
Oh, Niles.
Thought you were sleeping.
(Martin laughing)
I was trying to,
but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.
Oh, good Lord.
Not Robin and the Seven Hoods again?
(Martin laughing)
Worse.
(àà la Austin Powers): Yeah, baby.
Now, that was a shagadelic flick.
You know, Dad, if you're quite done,
I think I'll try to take a nap.
Oh, behave.
You know, Dad,
you do realize that the Austin Powers craze
is completely over.
Well, I'm sorry. Do I bore you?
Or do I make you randy?
FRASIER: Oh...
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Yes, Niles.
I'm driving as smoothly as I can.
Any other little driving tips
you'd like to give me?
Why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face!
Hey, look,
another Little Red Cabin sign.
You know, we're not going to find anything
better to eat on this highway.
Oh, let's no t be hasty, Dad.
It's five miles away.
We might run over something before then.
You know, I am so tired,
I can barely read this menu.
That's all right, Niles,
you don't have to read.
You can just point to a picture
of the food you want.
MARTIN: What's this?
"A logroller with your choice of cheese"?
You can't have a logroller without American cheese.
Apparently, you can't get anything in this restaurant
without American cheese. .. including the menu.
Niles, if you're so tired,
why don't you go back to the Road Warrior, take a nap?
Oh, you know, that's a good idea.
At least it'll be quiet.
I wonder if you can still get sticky shingles here.
One look at the salad bar says yes.
What looks good to you, Fras?
Well, actually, Dad,
you know, I think I'll have a hamburger.
Would you order that for me, Dad?
Yeah. You going someplace?
FRASIER: As a matter of fact, I am.
I'm going to take a chance and reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine: America.
Hello there.
Could I buy you a cup of coffee?
You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse
trying to get in touch with America.
Now, you, you look like you'd be a farmer.
Oh, I get it.
You see a guy in a rural diner
wearing shab by clothes,
you pin your little label on him.
Well, guess what?
I am a farmer,
but I'm also a beautiful,
flawed, complicated human being,
and it's going to take more than a cup of coffee
to get inside here.
I'll just go see how my father's doing.
So, how was he?
Beautiful, flawed...
unpleasant.
Well, according to the map,
it's about 300 miles to Sun Valley.
Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what?
We'll get there in plenty of time for the party.
Hey, listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry.
Maybe we should bring him a sandwich.
I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad.
You saw how tired he was.
Let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip.
You sure? Oh, sure.
It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad.
For God's sakes, you know,
when Niles wakes up, I guarantee you
the last thing he'd be thinking about
is sandwiches.
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.
Look what I just found in my pocket.
The lighter I borrowed
from that waitress in the restaurant.
I feel terrible.
Forget it, Mother.
We're not taking it back.
MOTHER: Well, I really think we should just turn around
an-and say we're sorry and return it.
MAN: I think we ought to keep it.
Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway.
MOTHER: That doesn't make it right.
We're still criminals in the eyes of the law.
MAN: There's a lot worse criminals
than you and me.
Remember that last gun show we went to?
We must have seen
at least three different people
swiping boxes of shells.
There's one thing you can say for us:
We pay for our ammo.
So, this party tonight--
going to be a lot of shagnificent birds?
Dad, I'm begging you.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Niles, will you please stop doing this?!
I'm getting a little drowsy.
Well, if you're so tired,
just scootch over I'll take the wheel.
MAN: Okay.
Yes, yes, hello.
I'm being kidnapped. This is an emergency.
I'm being kidnapped.
I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84.
I can't talk any louder. I'm being stolen.
Yes, yes. Washington plates-- R-D-W-R-E-R.
Road Warrior.
Yes, it does.
It does so. Sound it out.
Never mind. Oh, for God's sake, just save me.
MAN: Oh, I'm... I'm getting too sleepy.
I'm going back for a little lie down.
Okay.
Oh, wait, Dad, look!
There's another one of those Little Red Cabins.
Why don't we just stop and have some supper first?
'Cause I'm tired, and I'm not hungry.
Clifford.
Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me.
MOTHER: I feel sort of funny even stopping here.
Sort of like returning
to the scene of the crime.
Mother, let it go.
(doors opening and closing)
(engine starts)
All right, Eddie.
Let's go sign nature's guest book.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
NILES: Frasier?
Yes.
Niles.
Put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back.
Niles, what on earth are you talking about?
You must have had a nightmare.
Uh, indeed I have.
But it's over now, and I managed to give the thugs
a taste of their own thieving medicine.
(gasps): Niles!
Niles, where are you calling from?!
From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior.
And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add.
ButI'min the Road Warrior!
You got in the wrong car, you idiot!
You've stolen a Winnebago!
Oh, don't be absurd.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
(tires squealing)
(tires screeching)
All right, Niles, just keep your head!
There's no need to panic!
MAN (over bullhorn): This is the police!
Exit your vehicle immediately
with your hands above your head.
How's that turkey club, Dad?
A little dry.
Sorry about the misunderstanding.
These papers all check out, sir. Well,
if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry
to get to Sun Valley.
But not too much of a hurry.
Well, drive safely.
FRASIER: Thank you.
What a clown.
I can tell you ten things he did wrong
right off the bat.
Well, at least he was apologetic.
Oh, these hick towns will give any bozo a badge.
A goober like that wouldn't last
ten minutes in a real police force...
...without getting a promotion.
Your license.
(chuckles)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Hello, Frasier.
I've managed to solve the problem.
I returned the Winnebago.
To where? Where are you?
Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
Baker City?!
Shag me rotten. That's 300 miles!
Niles, we will never get there
and then back to Sun Valley before midnight.
Well, I'm not going to ring in the new year
in a Little Red Cabin.
All right, all right. Listen.
The only way we can ever pull this off
is if you can catch a ride in this direction.
Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, my gosh. It's engraved.
Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip
until we return that woman's lighter.
Mother, do you expect me to turn around
and drive 150 miles back
to that Little Red Cabin?
We are not going.
End of discussion.
Clifford.
Good news. I'm on my way.
All right, Niles says he can make it back
to the restaurant where we first got separated.
All I have to do now is turn this boat around.
30 miles to the next exit.
I can't wait that long.
Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.
That's 20th-century talk, Dad.
Welcome to the future!
(tires screeching)
God, that felt great!
Wow! This is really quite an adventure,
isn't it, Dad?
(siren blaring)
MARTIN: It is now.
Oh, dear God.
MARTIN: All right, just relax, Frasier.
Now, I know cops.
Just let me do the talking.
We'll be out of here in two minutes.
All right, Dad, let's switch.
Well, look who's here.
You boys know what you did wrong back there?
Yeah, yeah, I know. A U-turn.
Nope. Called me a goober.
(utensils clattering)
Oh, Niles,
I'm so sorry we're late.
Well, well, not to worry.
When you're here at the crossroads of the world,
you have the human drama to amuse you.
(sighs): Well, Happy New Year, boys.
Oh, yes, five minutes ago.
Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell
about where they were and what they were doing
when the millennium dawned.
What isourstory?
Speeding along a lonely highway.
And you here, doing nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing.
Big Sandy let me watch the register
while she emptied the rat traps.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we?
Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture
of the official middle of nowhere, but...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere
Mountain Time, right?
It's still only 11:05, Pacific Time.
Which can't be more than 45 minutes from here.
Right. We can cross the line
and toast in the new year together!
Dad, that's brilliant!
And there was a delightful- looking little restaurant
just across the border.
MARTIN: Well, the guidebook said it was pretentious.
FRASIER: Perfect! Let's roll!
We're running out of time!
Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier,
but we seem to be losing power.
(engine sputtering)
What is that noise?
What's wrong with the engine?
I didn't touch the emergency brake.
When was the last time you put gas in this thing?
Me? I don't even know where the thing is
to put the gas into. MARTIN: Oh, no.
I'm sorry, boys. It's dying.
I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road.
I can't stand this!
Have we so offended the millennium gods
that they will do anything to ruin this evening?
Burn down our restaurant?!
Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos
in our path to confound us?!
Wait, is that a sign?
Of course it's a sign!
It's a sign that we're cursed!
No, no, no, it is! It's a sign!
We're entering Pacific Time Zone!
FRASIER: Oh, my God!
We're here!
We made it! We made it, oh!
Come on, Eddie. Oh, 30 seconds to spare!
All right.
We're rolling!
We're rolling backwards! Oh, no!
No need to panic, Frasier!
(laughs)
We rolled back into Idaho!
Follow me!
Ten seconds.
Let's look alive!
Damn this foil.
You can do it, Fras.
Relax and focus.
Three, two, one...
(cork pops) (laughs)
A-ha! We made it! Happy New Year!
There we are.
Well, if you ask me...
Dad. this beats a dull party.
Family, and good champagne, and a blanket of stars.
Hear, hear!
Ah.
You know what?
I think this calls for a song.
## Should auld acquaintance be forgot ##
## (harmonizing): ## And never brought to mind...
(coyote howling)
(quickly): ## Should auld acquaintance be forgot ##
## For auld lang syne. ##
(howling continues)
## Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' ##
## Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ##
## Oh, my ##
## And maybe I seem a bit confused ##
## Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ##
(laughing)
## But I don't know what to do ##
## With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ##
## They're callin' again. ##
Good night, Seattle! We love you!